For Transmen

Coming out About Being Trans

Deciding to disclose your trans identity is a big decision. Here are some things to think about that may help you think about whether or not disclosing is something you want to do. 

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"I would say part of what I get off on is that it feels dangerous and risky and certainly there are guys in the community who have a negative reaction to this [being trans]"

When should you tell someone you’re trans? Do you have to tell people you’re trans? These are questions that we ask ourselves all the time and unfortunately, there are no easy answers. Transmen are men. But some non-trans gay men don’t know anything about our bodies or our identities and they may say insulting or offensive things. For transmen, if you are passing or not, you’ll need to make a decision about whether you want to tell the person you are having sex with that you are trans. There can be pros and cons to both disclosing and not disclosing. Each person will make their decision based on what kind of sex they want to have, where they are, if they feel comfortable and/or safe, and many other reasons.

A lot of transmen never disclose. Other transmen disclose and continue to have great sexual experiences. It’s hard to tell how a situation will play out but consider this an opportunity to tell your future partner how they can touch your body and what kind of sex you want to have.

If you do decide to disclose here are some things you should consider:

• Are you in a space that is comfortable and/or physically and emotionally safe?
• Can you leave the situation?
• Are you prepared to educate someone who might not know a lot about transpeople?

If disclosure goes badly:

• Do you have a place to go or can you leave the situation safely?
• Do you have support from friends or family?
• Can you deal with possible sexual/emotional rejection?